Greetings from the Guoman Resort Hotel in Port Dickson, Malaysia. It’s been two days since my last blog, so for those of you who assumed that the lack of updates was because I was either, A) arrested, B) bitten by a cobra, and consequently C) dead, rested assured, all is well. We’ve started the week of golf, and have played two interesting courses, the Seremban International Golf Club and the Staffield Golf and Country Club, which I’ll describe in more detail later. Hey, I’ve got to have something to write about for the print edition. In the meantime, some highlights from the past two days:

• I’m staying in an open-air hotel, so the breezes off the Straits of Malacca flow right through my floor. Two nights ago, I got off the elevator to head back to my room for the night and waiting for me at the end of the hall was a confused bird. (When I re-tell this story when I get back to the U.S., “bird” is going to be changed to “rabid bat.”) Anyway, the bird was near the end of the hall blocking me from my room, and it was flying at me in sweeping arcs, gently bouncing off the ceiling, then the floor, then back again. As this thing approached me, it became clear the Malaysian bird was not going to alter its path for this American, I had to choose: jump, duck, or run the other direction? It was like I was Super Mario in a Donkey King video game. I decided for option no. 4, and plastered myself again the wall. I felt the wind of the bird swooping past me, then sprinted for my room, ducking inside just before the bird circled back for me. Malaysia. Feel the excitement, people.  

• I’m probably going to come off as a complete wimp here, but we had a thunderstorm two nights ago that was unlike anything I’ve ever heard. Honestly, I thought that either our hotel was hit by lightning, Malaysia was under attack, or the world was coming to an end. I’ve never heard thunder crackle so crisply; it was like having a shotgun go off next to your ear. I hadn’t been scared of a thunderstorm since I was like 8 years old, but that streak is now officially over. The next morning my fellow tourists all said they’d never heard anything like it, either. A woman from Sweden said she was so scared she shut herself in her bathroom and spent the night there. One writer from Florida swore he could actually hear the lightning sizzle. Just a crazy, crazy storm.

• The people of Malaysia of just fantastically friendly, gentle and humorous. They will also peer-pressure you to do karaoke, even if you’re a horrendous singer. I don’t think I need to elaborate much more here, except to say that “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” by CCR has quite possibly never been mangled like it was at a local dive bar the other night. Malaysian peer pressure it a difficult thing. Consider yourself warned.
• The Malaysian word for “mulligan” is, drumroll please…Mulligan. These things amuse me.  More Malaysian golf terms coming soon.   
• That’s all for now. My week continues with golf, tours and adventure. More updates coming soon.

More stats from the trip: 
 

*Rounds of golf played: Two
*Balls lost: Five
*Average time for 18-hole round: Six-and-a-half hours. It’s not my fault, I swear. I’m part of a group of about 40 journalists, but I think I’ve pinpointed the “problem.” More on this soon.
*High Temperature: 95 degrees.
*Estimated relative humidity: 158 percent.
*Karaoke performances: One.
*Number of moments spent fearing for own life: One. (Fine. I’m a 29-year-old baby. Let’s see you come out here and listen to one of these thunderstorms.) 
*Food items not able to be identified but eaten anyway: Just like that, too many to count. We’ve had a few buffets the last couple of days, and we’ve starting rolling the dice a bit with our digestive system, which so far has performed beautifully. Hopefully there are no further updates with this.
*Cobra sightings: Thankfully, still holding at zero.